my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Randomize
