my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Hippo gnu deer
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
