Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
