she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
