Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
