Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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