He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
