APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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