i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Sober January is a disaster.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
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