I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
