his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
