There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
