Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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