If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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