Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
