OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Brb crying the tears of my youth
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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