Pants 0. Shit 1.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
