forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
