Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
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