Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
