hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
The beer is more important than you right now.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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