Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
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