It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
