You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
