My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
