my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
