saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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