don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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