Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Randomize
