If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
