I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
