i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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