k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
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