I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
ttyl tear gas
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
