I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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