During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
