when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
