Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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