I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
