Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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