Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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