Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
you never un-have a 4some
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
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