Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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