Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
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