Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
