And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
