I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
