I think i peed on brittanys purse
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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