1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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