Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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