Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
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