I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
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