Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
